A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

A Forum in which to remember those KUMB members and other West Ham United family who have sadly left us.

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hessa
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by hessa »

ILL, so sorry to hear what's happening with your mum.
Unfortunately I've no good advice regards your housing situation. Only thing I'd say is start engaging with your housing provider now and try and get some answers. I know your primary concern is your mum, but as other's have said, she'd take comfort in knowing that you were going to be okay. So take the time to start trying to sort your situation out. I'd also suggest involving your local MP if you are getting stonewalled by your housing provider. Local Councillors can also be useful, especially if you are in Local Authority housing rather than Housing Association.

I hope that your trip with your mum goes well. It's a lovely thing you're doing for her! Take care and all the best to you :heart:
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PF.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by PF. »

Epictetus is quoted with: I cannot escape death, but at least I can escape the fear of it.

I am in no position to offer advice ILL, but I do sincerely wish you and your mum a smashing time in the near future to reminisce and to create the most beautiful of memories.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by OFT »

Very best wishes iLL.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by fjthegrey »

Image

I strongly advise you to get this book. It has fundamentally changed the way I feel, think about and will approach my death.
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Roby
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Roby »

ILL - in this type of sad scenario you will obviously feel helpless.

All you can do is be there for your Mum and make sure she knows you love her. It sounds like you are clearly doing both.

All the best,
Robin
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fjthegrey
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by fjthegrey »

Just to add, that book offers some amazingly good practical advice about how to setup your end of life care and the action plans that take effect in the final stretch. Really useful, sometimes counter intuitive ideas about how to minimize everyone's suffering.

It's far more than just a philosophical manual.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by mushy »

S-H wrote: Thu Oct 13, 2022 9:03 pm Thinking of you mate.
Same here, please keep us updated.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

mushy wrote: Fri Oct 14, 2022 11:27 am Same here, please keep us updated.
You are all too kind.

I'll make sure to give any suitable updates. Thank you all :kumb:
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Estuary
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Estuary »

Feeling for you ILL, I have nothing to add re the tenancy issue, but echo the thoughts of UTJ, make the most of whatever time you and your Mum have together.

When I go I want to go like my dear old Dad, quietly in his sleep, not like all his passengers, screaming in terror at back of the plane. :winker:
Last edited by Estuary on Fri Oct 14, 2022 1:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by ageing hammer »

Thinking of you at this time lasagne
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Vince »

Sorry to hear the news ILL. I have first hand experience.
My best mate and cousin was diagnosed with a brain tumour in2017.
After several months of home care he was taken to St Francis for his end of days.
The hospital care was fantastic.
After he passed in January 2019, the family set up a ' go fund me'' campaign for family and friends and we raised thousands of pounds which was donated to the hospice, as they are still under funded.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by MB »

Sorry to hear that mate. As others have said, just try and spend as much time with her as you can.

In terms of advice, get yourself down to Citizens Advice. If they cannot directly help then they will be able to steer you in the right direction.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

We returned from our trip to Hong Kong on Thursday. The main objective of the trip was for my mum to see her elder sister who she is closest to and who had only just recently flown to Hong Kong for to stay for the winter and also to tie up any loose ends. The flight had taken its toll on mum. Even for a fit and healthy person like me, I had found the long haul experience to be quite painful. Mum was experiencing swelling in her feet caused by her medication which was exacerbated by the flight.

But mum didn't let it phase her. We plodded around the local area over the next few days together with my aunt, uncle and a friend. It was tiring for her but also a nice experience at the same time. The family friend managed to borrow a wheelchair and we even travelled into Hong Kong itself before hopping onto a ferry taking us onto on an island. Mum enjoyed visiting the market buying lots of different foods.

Mum was encouraged to see a Chinese herbalist during her trip. He was renowned and the taxi driver who dropped her off said everyone knows this guy so she felt encouraged by this. Whether he is a charlatan or not, who can say? He promised that he would be able to buy her considerably more time than what the oncologist predicted she'd get. But it would come at a cost and she'd have to radically change her diet resulting in her eating like a monk. Mum loves food so this was a bitter pill to swallow. Pun intended, as she would also need to drink a thick, black, bitter herbal tonic daily which was intended to flush out toxins from her system. So for the rest of her trip she was not allowed to eat many nice things and simply watched everyone else enjoy them instead as she ate her plain rice and plain vegetables.

On the day of flying back, Hong Kong was shutting down in preparation for a typhoon. Fortunately we made it onto the plane and took off unscathed. The typhoon was to hit several hours after we had departed. I have a love/hate relationship with Hong Kong. But overall, I found this to be a pleasant stay which was odd given the circumstances. But I think I'll revisit again which I wasn't sure I'd say previously.

The British weather was sobering after we had been accustomed to hot weather for the past two weeks. Also, knowing what food to make is also challenging as we had at least been used to having variety in Hong Kong. Mum loves fish which is permitted on her new diet and she had a huge variety to choose from in Hong Kong. Here, it is invariably sea bass or salmon. And having people around us, doing everything for us and now having nobody around is kind of daunting.

But life goes on and we will do what we can each day at a time. Will the herbal medicine have any benefits or is it just an expensive scam? There's no real way of knowing I guess unless she exceeds the predictions of the oncologist. But like religion, which is also important to mum, if it gives her comfort, then that's all that really matters really.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by pablo jaye »

Like others have said ILL, thoughts are with you.

Your trip to HK sounds like it will be a memorable one for your mum, visiting close relatives and spending quality time with her wonderful son!
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Metal Hammer »

I missed the original post, thoughts are with you iLL
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Jennings »

I’m sorry to hear what you & your mum are going through. I hope you’re managing to keep your chin up.
Will the herbal medicine have any benefits or is it just an expensive scam? There's no real way of knowing I guess unless she exceeds the predictions of the oncologist. But like religion, which is also important to mum, if it gives her comfort, then that's all that really matters really.
Herbal Medicine can & will help. I don’t feel the need to justify this statement to anyone, so no snarky comments from anyone, please.

I’d just say one other thing - patients who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer often suffer from debilitating depression soon after. There’s been some really interesting work on the effects of taking large doses of psilocybin, dyor but off the top of my head it may have been something like the equivalent dose of around 200 magic mushrooms. The patients who have been treated lose all their fear of death because they have been able to access different dimensions & have seen God for themselves. Unfortunately it’s illegal to do without a license in this country but fascinating nonetheless.

Good luck, everything will work out for the best. It always does.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by MorthwylMawr »

My heart goes out to you ILL :heart:
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view from the shires
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by view from the shires »

I lost my Dad to Cancer in June after a relatively short illness. He ended his life in a hospice, and although this was probably the right thing he was dead against it. My Mum & sister were adamant it was best for him, and from a care point of view I suppose it was, but I am still uncomfortable about the decision. If this is your Mum's wish support her all of the way as it is about her now.

It is only in the time after his death that I realised how close we actually were and how alike we are. I am still angry he was taken, but the memories of things we did together do provide some solace.
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

On 23rd my mum noticed a sort of bruising on her thigh. She went to bed and woke up two hours later crying. I checked on her and her upper thigh was a deep red but the rest was pale white, solid and ice cold to touch. No ambulances were available so we struggled but managed to get her out of bed, down the stairs and into the car at the end of our path. When we reached the hospital she needed the toilet. I pulled her trousers down and her whole thigh was now red. We waited for nearly two hours and were still in the queue not knowing how long it'd be. She drank mouthful after mouthful of morphine and was still screaming. I wheeled her to the front of the ward so that the nurses could witness her cries. A kind male nurse pressed the button to let us in. A doctor investigated her legs and they were now purple. So now 24hrs later she is clinging on. Making her comfortable is the only intention now. But her blood pressure is too low for morphine so she is just lying in agony. She was given morphine and paracetamol but she cannot be given it again in such a small window. So shes just lying there now in pain, waiting...
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Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Haarlemammer »

Desperately sorry to hear this, ILL, especially at this time of the year.
All I can wish you and your mum is some relief from the dreadful pain.
Thoughts are with you.
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