Premier LeagueWolverhampton Wanderers 1-2 West Ham United
Saturday, 6th April 2024
by East Stand Martin
I’m gonna start with a warning. This report contains lurid descriptions of bodily fluids.
Back in the day at the beginning of this century I was living in Oxford, which is where I first met the legendary Oxford Fred in a pub near to my gaff run by his mate Jemmy.It was here that I also met Jenny, a massive Wolves fan with a proper Black Country accent, who was doing her teacher training at a nearby college.
Jenny was a great fan of jugs of cocktails and her favourite tipple on Jemmy's drinks menu was this toxic green concoction called ?EUR~Kermit's Cum'. After what can be described as an athletic session on the Cum, Jenny ended up at my flat, only suddenly and without prior warning to be struck down with uncontrollable projectile vomiting.
For days afterwards I was discovering globules of green slime in unlikely corners of my home.
Let the train take the strain
Cue many years later, and I've been to Wolves away for a midweek game in January and we've got splattered 3-0. I've dashed to get the train, just about made it and then settled down for a miserable journey home.
Across the aisle is a West Ham fan who has clearly been on it all day. Five minutes in, he goes to the bar to get more drink that was clearly surplus to requirements. Soon after his return, suddenly and without warning, I hear this violent retching.
Very expertly for someone who is totally shitfaced, he does a lengthy precision puke into one of those little paper bags they give you in the buffet to carry your purchases in. Not even a splash outside the bag. It was impressive.
Credit where credit is due and if I'd been judging ice skating, I'd have given it a solid 9.9 rating for technical ability. But then it all went tits up as he made the fatal mistake of trying to lift the bag and its contents.
The weight was too much and the bottom just opened up with a catastrophic deluge of chuck. It went everywhere. Not even the disaster master Winston Wolfe in Pulp Fiction would have been able to clear that up. I scarpered from the carriage quicker than Roman Abramovic from the tax authorities.
And that, my friends is why Wolverhampton Wanderers FC will be forever engraved in my mind with the emptying of stomach contents.
How do we start this time?
The pre-match chat on this one was what he reintroduction of El Assassino would do to the team selection. Personally, I wanted Antonio on the pitch and either JWP or Soucek on the bench, the manager didn't.
As the teams lined up, Fred said to me, "Look at that mascot, have you ever seen one camper than that?' "But Fred", I protested, "That's the girl wolf." He wouldn't have it.
Just so you know Freddie boy, I have since checked. That is Wendy, Wolfie's girlfriend. Go easier on the pre-match cooking lager next time, old boy.
So off we went with Jim down the middle, Paqueta out left and Kudus out right. JWP was given the task of the advanced presser while Soucek sat deeper. My fears about this setup were to become more acute as the half progressed.
North African pace
The first action of note saw a very rapid Ait-Nouri advance forward and unleash a shot over the bar. This was a sign of things to come from the Algerian.
West Ham during the first ten minutes couldn't even string three passes together. We looked totally disjointed, a very disappointing start to a game that was clearly very important in our quest to get a fourth consecutive European adventure.
Things were way better on 12 minutes as Bowen nicked the ball off Semedo and angled a pass backwards from the dead ball to find Soucek. Inexplicably, he trod on the ball and squandered a chance at least as good as the one he chested wide at Newcastle the previous weekend.
Six minutes later, Kudus got free down the right but his cross flashed across the goalmouth with no West Ham player to get on the end of it.
23 minutes in and it's panic in our box after a corner was not cleared allowing Ait-Nouri to fire a shot in which ended up spinning out left to Doyle. He got a shot away which Fab saved well and Coufal managed to scramble away.
A couple of minutes latter and Fab nearly lost the ball after getting closed down in the box. Somehow he retrieved the situation. "That was lucky", said Fred, "He's got the turning circle of the Titanic."
The ever-present Ait-Nouri was on his bike again after Doyle broke free down the right and found him with an accurate pass. He cut across the box with Emerson in hot pursuit, but the Brazilian was adjudged to have taken the man and not the ball. VAR did not suggest to the ref that he had got the penalty call wrong and Sarabia stepped up to shoot in off the post.
West Ham got their first corner of the game on 35 minutes not long after Kudus had swapped to the left wing. It came to nothing.
The half ended with a couple of shots from Wolves including one in added time resulting from a free kick won by Ait Nouri, which Fab gathered easily from Sarabia.
Poor first half display rings changes
That was a very disappointing first half display from the Irons and I was telling everyone in earshot that JWP had to come off and Antonio introduced. The fact was that the team had no attacking penetration and to be honest we looked pedestrian and sluggish.
At half time, Mr Moyes decided to retain JWP but withdraw Soucek instead. This proved ultimately to be a good decision. In fact, it was a Czech double substitution as Ben Johnson replaced Coufal.
A lot of criticism is levelled at the manager for his reluctance to make substitutions, but today he was far more decisive. You could argue that given the listless first half display, there was literally no other choice, but he did make that call. It was the right one.
The changes were like an injection of adrenalin into the team. Transformational is the best way to describe it.
Just two minutes in and Antonio got a shot away on goal which was more than we had managed in the entirety of the first half (on or off target). Just after this there was a very unwelcome injury to Bowen as he went down clutching his lower back. He tried to run it off but had to be withdrawn in favour of Creswell on 54 minutes.
We then re-shaped into a five back and it just looked and felt more dynamic. Ben Johnson was having an immediate impact and on 57 minutes he won a corner which resulted in the ball coming out to Kudus who hit one over the bar.
A minute later JWP also looked like he had a new lease of life and after winning a tackle, a foul on Emmerson followed on the edge of the box. Would this be JWP's first converted free kick for the Irons? Unfortunately not, as the ball struck the wall and spun wide for a corner. On the hour, Kudus got free to put another inviting ball into the box but there was no-one there to profit from it.
I throw my boot at you
Paqueta looked like he had been taken out in the centre circle on 62, but the Brazilian seems to get very few decisions his way. Sometimes he goes down too easily and on others he really looks like he has a good case for a foul. He believed he was hard done by as he took one of his boots off and slammed it on the ground.
Immediately after that, Kudus was on the move again and this time he curled over a peach to find Emmerson at the far post which he powerfully headed into the back of the net.
It was a goal that felt it was coming considering the West Ham dominance, but it was ruled out by the ref without any intervention by VAR. We were on the opposite side of the pitch so it was hard to see what the infringement was on Semedo. A later review of a replay of the incident showed that Emmerson had trod on the defender's foot.
Johnson continued to be a breath of fresh air and the team's performance was generally in stark contrast to the drudgery of the first half. Wolves seemed to be unable to get out their own half and made things worse by continually giving the ball away.
Handball
On 70 minutes Emmerson nicked the ball in the box after some manouevring by Paqueta, made for the dead ball line and sent over a cross from the right side which appeared to strike the outstretched arm of Kilman. He looked guilty as sin and the ref blew up for a pen straight away.
For a minute, it looked like JWP was going to step up and take this, but Paqueta took responsibility. It was one of those stuttering, running on the spot type approaches and the keeper went the right way but it was placed perfectly in the left hand corner. It was no more than West Ham deserved.
It was now all one-way traffic and Antonio was doing what he does best, being a total physical menace. With ten minutes of normal time remaining he used great strength down the left to recyle a pass out to Johnson whose first time strike was straight at the keeper.
Two minutes later, it was the hardworking Antonio causing grief again for the Wolves defence and after finding Paqueta, a lovely pass was slotted over to Kudus who just couldn't get his shot away and probably should have done better. The Ghanaian had a bit of a strange game overall, didn't quite look at this best.
Wolves had simply gone missing but however bad you play, you will always normally get at least one chance. That came on 83 minutes as Traore hit one from outside the box which Fab had to be alive to. He parried and collected.
Wind-assisted goal and cash-out
It still felt like a West Ham win was on the cards and the travelling Irons were given the goal they were craving on 84 minutes. A corner was won down the left and JWP stepped up to take it. He hit it with a right to left swerve and aide and abetted by the swirling wind which had been present throughout the game, it went over Jose Sa and into the goal.
Pure bedlam amongst the travelling support.
At this point, my attention was fully on my match bet. It's been a tradition with me and Fred for many years to have a bet on a 2-1 away win. I think it started when we were in the Championship and I certainly remember coining it that time when the ball rebounded off Tevez in an offside position at Blackburn to steal it 2-1.
The geezers behind could see that I was jumping around like a Scouser in a police cell and in pure trauma about whether to cash out. Just before added time of ten minutes I was being offered ??220. Quick tactical discussion with Fred and decide to let it run.
90+7 and my nerves are shredded. A foul on Emerson by Kilman sets up a free kick in a dangerous position and that's game over for me and Fred as we cash out for ??308. The JWP shot goes high and wide and naturally I'm thinking that I should have hung it out.
But wait, a shanked clearance by Ben Johnson sees a left side corner awarded to Wolves on 90+9. Pure disbelief as Kilman, the culprit for the penalty rises like a salmon and heads powerfully home. Not again! Another late goal concession.
Like most goals these days this gets referred to the Gestapo in their underground silo in Stockley Park and after a check of the monitor what looked like an entirely reasonable goal gets chalked off, much to the anger of the Wolves players.
Correct decision
Post-match review traveling home suggests that this was a harsh yet maybe technically correct decision. Chirewa was definitely in an offside position and although Fab is probably never going to save that, he's definitely impeding him. He is "preventing an opponent from playing or being able to play the ball by clearly obstructing the opponent's line of vision" (Law 11.2). Admittedly if that had happened to us I would be throwing things around and ordering a drone attack on Stockley Park.
I did say to the boys behind that we were probably due a bit of VAR luck after recent decisions that have gone against us.
This was a classic game of two halves. We pulled out a dire performance in the first half, they did it in the second. I dropped a message to Jenny asking who she thought had been comparatively worse in each half. Clearly not yet jug deep into amphibian spunk she quickly responded with the clear assessment that it was her boys, "I don't know what we were doing in the second half. Never offside, but fair play to the Irons!"
We were a different team with Antonio on the pitch and his presence spurred us on. Johnson was part of that momentum shift and it was good to see JWP raise his game and score after a poor first half. Ait-Nouri was causing us all sorts of problems in the first half and his withdrawal on 55 minutes certainly didn't help an already struggling Wolves.
I'm now getting ready to pack my bags for the land of the sausage noshers as we face the currently invincible Bayer Leverkusen. I'm excited. What chance of little old West Ham circumcising their bratwurst? Only one way to find out, but let's hope that Jimbo is fit enough to conduct the necessary surgery.
(Player ratings by Chris Wilkerson)
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Click to view all West Ham United vs Wolverhampton Wanderers match reports Click to view all match reports by East Stand Martin Like to share your thoughts on this article? Please visit the KUMB Forum to leave a comment.Player Ratings
Lukasz FabianskiA couple good saves, but not tested much.
Vladimir Coufal
Awful on the ball when simple solutions were clear. Needed the rest.
Emerson Palmieri
After a poor decision in the first half looked like it could cost the team, he was brilliant in the second. Won the penalty, scored the disallowed goal, ran at Wolves again and again.
Kurt Zouma
Much the same as Mavropanos. Questions remain over him as a leader; surely someone should have been demanding Kilman was marked?
Konstantinos Mavropanos
Resolute and industrious defending. Strong in the first half when Wolves dominated, and untested in the second.
Edson Alvarez
Neat and tidy on the ball, busy in defence. Not a standout game, but good to have him back.
Tomas Soucek
With the attackers in front of him tired and out of form, Soucek's use of the ball got worse and he was rightly replaced.
James Ward-Prowse
Busy defensively, and just generally busy as he always is, and then popped up with a rather fortunate goal.
Lucas Paqueta
A performance rescued by a goal, and a couple late chances he created. Otherwise, he seemed disinterested and just lazy.
Mohammed Kudus
Creative and clearly one who defenders are scared of. Good chance he created for Emerson, some good runs.
Jarrod Bowen
Couldn't make an impact outside the one early chance he created. Hopefully it's a knock he can shake off by Thursday.
Substitutes
Ben Johnson(Replaced Coufal, 45) Far from refined on the ball, but the sheer energy he put into his performance was transformative on the right flank.
Michail Antonio
(Replaced Soucek, 45) It was a less than polished performance, but his presence changed how Wolves could play, and gave others space to play in.
Aaron Cresswell
(Replaced Bowen, 54) Effective, calm and a surprisingly good move.
Joseph Anang
Did not play.
Angelo Ogbonna
Did not play.
Nayef Aguerd
Did not play.
Kalvin Phillips
Did not play.
Maxwel Cornet
Did not play.
Danny Ings
Did not play.
Match Facts
West Ham United: Lukasz Fabianski, Vladimir Coufal, Emerson Palmieri, Kurt Zouma, Konstantinos Mavropanos, Edson Alvarez, Tomas Soucek, James Ward-Prowse, Lucas Paqueta, Mohammed Kudus, Jarrod Bowen.Goals: Lucas Paqueta 72 James Ward-Prowse 84 .
Booked: Emerson Palmieri 0 Lucas Paqueta 0 .
Sent off: None.
Wolverhampton Wanderers : Sá, Semedo, Kilman, Toti, S Bueno, Aït-Nouri (Cunha 55), Doherty (H. Bueno 87), M Lemina (Traoré 75), João Gomes, Doyle (Chirewa 87), Sarabia (Chiwome 75).
Subs not used: Bentley, N Lemina, Dawson, Fraser.
Goals: Sarabia (33, pen).
Booked: João Gomes, Toti, Traoré, Sarabia, Cunha.
Sent off: None.
Referee: Tony Harrington.
Attendance: 0.
Man of the Match: James Ward-Prowse.